June 30, 2017

loving my husband

three days ago something happened in me that scared the shit out of me: i had found out something about my husband's past that really upset me and shook me to the core. this was a feeling that i hadn't experienced in many years and with the somewhat fragile state i'm in currently (still over here suffering from postpartum depression/anxiety and ptsd), it knocked me down. without airing his-or all of our-dirty laundry, i'll just say that this piece of information i had found out was regarding a girl and it really had absolutely nothing to do with me, as this season of his life was before me. but, of course, i didn't even care about the 'this was before my time' bit and let it just consume me.

for just about two whole days i was brooding and distant; inside my own head just running over everything. or letting everything just run over me, really. i tend to get that way; i'll let whatever it is just well up and fester inside of me, drawing myself away from everything and everyone, unable to think about anything other than the stupid crap in my head. i let the dishes pile up, the toys spill out and stay all over the floor, and i just lay helpless on the couch as the world so happily passes my sad and pathetic self by.

i am probably one of the most insecure people you will ever meet. i also have a hard time letting things roll off of me and take things to heart; i'm a pretty sensitive person. i don't have much confidence and in this season i'm in, i'm also pretty hard on myself. i'm so critical and when i think about where i want to be physically, but don't see it in the mirror at all, it overtakes me. so when i found out something about this girl, whom i absolutely love and adore and think is one of the most beautiful creatures that will ever grace mother earth, i died a little bit inside. i felt as though my world was most absolutely crashing to the ground. i began comparing myself to her, looking at my body and my face and seeing so very clearly all of the ugliness that i wear, suddenly despising this beautiful woman that has absolutely nothing to do with me. i began thinking about all of the times in the future i'll be seeing her, where we will all be together, and wondering if he is thinking about her in that way still. i also thought back to all the times we have already spent with her and if those feelings of his were still there. you guys, i'm serious when i say that i can be so very lame sometimes. i mean, honestly friends... don't we all have a past? didn't we once (or many times) date another person, kiss another person, think about someone else? so why is it that we (as in me) freak out whenever the past is brought up? i had two other kids, from two different dads, before him. lame. i am so very lame sometimes.

the day after this information was awfully solicited to me, my husband asked me what was wrong and if i was okay. we were at work and didn't want to ruin his day, so i didn't say anything right away, but i just couldn't hold it inside anymore. while we were sitting down having lunch together (because my life actually is pretty amazing. so amazing, in fact, that i get to work with my husband and have lunch with him every day.) i just blurted it all out. and he confirmed what i had hoped he'd just tell me was all bullshit. i'm pretty sure the rest of the day was a blur.

when he got home from work i was just a useless blob on the couch, half-assed playing with the boys. he came up to me and asked if i wanted to attempt to talk right now (since the boys were still up). my chest had felt like someone had placed a hundred pound weight on it, so i jumped at the opportunity to talk, even though the boys were running around the living room playing, not expecting an argument. an argument is what happened. hey; i am not proud. my husband and i have had our share of fights and we always either wait until they're in bed or not around to hash it out. we weren't yelling, but there was definitely some tension between us and some negative energy floating around (i should probably sage the house with him this weekend). hitting a wall with our conversation, we decided to finish out the evening with the boys, focusing on them, even though i was fuming and brooding. once they were in bed, we continued our conversation, or, my husband just laid it all out on the table for me, rather.

i have to tell you all: my husband is a good man. oh, he is so good. he's the best i've ever had and i am truly, truly fortunate that he loves me the way he does. he is a gracious, forgiving, caring, loving man and puts up with way too much of me. and in this situation, no one did anything wrong. this piece of information i found out was, like i said, before my time; before me. and even though some pieces of our past can sneak through the filter and affect what is now, those pieces do not define us separately. my husband poured out his heart to me, as he so graciously does whenever i act lame like this; and once i let it all soak in, i washed all of those negative thoughts away with his words. we sat down on the couch together to continue watching the grey's anatomy series (i'm starting over from the beginning because he's never seen the series!) and i just laid my head on his shoulder. that was my way of letting him know that everything is okay, that i am not angry-nor was i ever angry-and that all of my pieces have been put back together again. and in that moment i knew that he is my forever. i knew that i am going to love this man for the rest of my entire existence. i mean, i have always known that i loved him and have always been sure; but i know this so clearly, so honestly, because before him i would have given up. i would have let something like this, something so freaking trivial, be the end of it all-the end of my marriage. but i can't even imagine my life without him. what was life before him? i don't even know and it doesn't even matter.

i'm just over here, loving my husband. and i will do that forever.

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